BÀI M?I NH?T

FUNNY SPORT MOMENTS compilation ( funny sports bloopers, fails, jokes, f...

10:40 AM Comments

FUNNY SPORT MOMENTS compilation ( funny sports bloopers, fails, jokes

corporate lessons

Lesson Number 1

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number 2

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree - he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Number 3

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”

The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”

The hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Best News Bloopers Fails

10:36 AM Comments

cold winter

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.



Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.



Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.



But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'



'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.



So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.



A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'



'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'



The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.



Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'



'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'



'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.



The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.'

Sexy Moments in Sports Girls/Women’s 10 - Top 10 Revealing Moments

10:34 AM Comments

Sexy Moments in Sports Girls/Women’s 10 - Top 10 Revealing Moments


In his beautiful book, "I Shall Not Want," Robert Ketchum tells of a Sunday School teacher who asked her group of children if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm. A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands.


A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm.



The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."



She bowed again and went and sat down.



That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.



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All Preachers Here We Go


We had a substitute preacher preaching at our church and he told this story. He said, when he was younger, he thought that the doxology went: "Praise God from whom all blessings go, Praise him all preachers here we go (instead of creatures here below), then praise him above the heavenly host, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost." He said he thought that because, when everyone sang that, often the preacher leaves the pulpit and walks out!


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New Minister



Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.



About a week later one of the assistant ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in what was his first sermon to the congregation. As he shyly approached the pulpit one Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. He was notably very nervous and getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked.



After standing there for almost 10 seconds the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"



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Little Johnny



Little Johnny went to Sunday school one Sunday. The lesson for the day was from Genesis. "God opened up Adam's side, took a rib from him, and created Eve from it," was what really struck Johnny.



Later, that afternoon, Johnny started feeing sick, and his side began to hurt. He layed down on the couch, and after about half an hour, his mother came over and asked him if he was feeling okay. He said, "Not really - I think I'm gonna have a wife."



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Johnny's Dust



After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree, and the pastor greets the family.



"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."



"That's right, Johnny, I did," he says.



"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."



"Yes, I'm glad you were listening," the pastor replies. "Why do you ask?"



"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed, 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"



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Red Wagon



It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside to look and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. He walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"



The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."



"And why did you take him?"



The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.



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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.



“The front row please.” she answered.



“You really don’t want to do that”, the usher said, “The pastor is really boring.”



“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.



“No.” he said.



“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.



“Do you know who I am?” he asked.



“No.” she said.



“Good,” he answered.



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Painting the church



A cheating painting contractor had been skimping by thinning his paint excessively. Nevertheless, he landed a big job painting a church. He was almost done when a major storm blew up. It washed all the paint off.



Amid the thunder and lightening, there came a loud voice...

"REPAINT," it boomed. "REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!"



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Pastor Dave Charlton tells us: "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.



About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and he will have to start his sermon all over again!'  It worked."



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Reverend to his congregation: "We have good news and bad news.

The bad news is that the roof needs repairing.

The good news is that we have the money to pay for it."

(appreciative murmers all round)



Reverend: "The extra bad news is that it's still in your pockets!"



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NOT AFRAID



A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"



The man replied, "Yep, sure do."



"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.



"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.



"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.



"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.



"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.



"Yep," was the calm reply.



"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.



"Nope."



More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"



The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."



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All the way home in the back seat of the car the boy was quiet. His father asked him three times what was wrong.



Finally, the boy replied, "The preacher said he wanted us all brought up in a Christian home, but I wanted to stay with you guys."



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Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane. So, she asked him which story it was meant to represent.



"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.



"I see... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and the Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"



Kyle explained, "Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot!"



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The Sunday School Teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?"



"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to - my Mom is a good cook!"

YOU HAVE NICE TITS!! Picking up SEXY Girls!!!

10:31 AM Comments

YOU HAVE NICE TITS!! Picking up SEXY Girls!!!


Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, “What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.”

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, “Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.”

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, “Maybe you’re right. In that case I’ll take two.”

========

And last, a dirty Christmas joke 😀

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says, “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.”

Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says, “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable.”

Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says, “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.”

Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my c*ck this way!!!”




Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

4th of July Facts:

The 4th of July was not declared a national holiday until 1941.

When the United States became a country in 1776, there were approximately 2.5 million people living in the country. This Fourth of July 2013, the population is around 313.2 million.

The youngest signer of the Declaration of Independence was 26-year-old Edward Rutledge. The oldest signer was Benjamin Franklin. He was 70. Most of the signers were in their 30s and 40s.

The American flag was adopted on June 14, 1777.
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