GYMNASTIC FAILS

GIRLS FAILS dancing

Ultimate Girl Fail Compilation | Funny Fails Girl Fails Clips

Try Not To Laugh EXTREME Edition - HOT GIRL Pranks & Fails - 2016

FUNNY SPORT MOMENTS compilation ( funny sports bloopers, fails, jokes, f...

FUNNY SPORT MOMENTS compilation ( funny sports bloopers, fails, jokes

corporate lessons

Lesson Number 1

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number 2

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree - he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Number 3

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”

The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”

The hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Sexy Moments in Sports Girls/Women’s 10 - Top 10 Revealing Moments

Sexy Moments in Sports Girls/Women’s 10 - Top 10 Revealing Moments

In his beautiful book, "I Shall Not Want," Robert Ketchum tells of a Sunday School teacher who asked her group of children if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm. A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands.


A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm.



The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."



She bowed again and went and sat down.



That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.



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All Preachers Here We Go


We had a substitute preacher preaching at our church and he told this story. He said, when he was younger, he thought that the doxology went: "Praise God from whom all blessings go, Praise him all preachers here we go (instead of creatures here below), then praise him above the heavenly host, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost." He said he thought that because, when everyone sang that, often the preacher leaves the pulpit and walks out!


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New Minister



Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.



About a week later one of the assistant ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in what was his first sermon to the congregation. As he shyly approached the pulpit one Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. He was notably very nervous and getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked.



After standing there for almost 10 seconds the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"



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Little Johnny



Little Johnny went to Sunday school one Sunday. The lesson for the day was from Genesis. "God opened up Adam's side, took a rib from him, and created Eve from it," was what really struck Johnny.



Later, that afternoon, Johnny started feeing sick, and his side began to hurt. He layed down on the couch, and after about half an hour, his mother came over and asked him if he was feeling okay. He said, "Not really - I think I'm gonna have a wife."



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Johnny's Dust



After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree, and the pastor greets the family.



"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."



"That's right, Johnny, I did," he says.



"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."



"Yes, I'm glad you were listening," the pastor replies. "Why do you ask?"



"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed, 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"



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Red Wagon



It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside to look and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. He walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"



The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."



"And why did you take him?"



The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.



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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.



“The front row please.” she answered.



“You really don’t want to do that”, the usher said, “The pastor is really boring.”



“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.



“No.” he said.



“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.



“Do you know who I am?” he asked.



“No.” she said.



“Good,” he answered.



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Painting the church



A cheating painting contractor had been skimping by thinning his paint excessively. Nevertheless, he landed a big job painting a church. He was almost done when a major storm blew up. It washed all the paint off.



Amid the thunder and lightening, there came a loud voice...

"REPAINT," it boomed. "REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!"



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Pastor Dave Charlton tells us: "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.



About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and he will have to start his sermon all over again!'  It worked."



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Reverend to his congregation: "We have good news and bad news.

The bad news is that the roof needs repairing.

The good news is that we have the money to pay for it."

(appreciative murmers all round)



Reverend: "The extra bad news is that it's still in your pockets!"



----------



NOT AFRAID



A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"



The man replied, "Yep, sure do."



"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.



"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.



"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.



"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.



"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.



"Yep," was the calm reply.



"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.



"Nope."



More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"



The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."



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All the way home in the back seat of the car the boy was quiet. His father asked him three times what was wrong.



Finally, the boy replied, "The preacher said he wanted us all brought up in a Christian home, but I wanted to stay with you guys."



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Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane. So, she asked him which story it was meant to represent.



"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.



"I see... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and the Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"



Kyle explained, "Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot!"



----------



The Sunday School Teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?"



"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to - my Mom is a good cook!"

YOU HAVE NICE TITS!! Picking up SEXY Girls!!!

YOU HAVE NICE TITS!! Picking up SEXY Girls!!!

Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, “What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.”

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, “Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.”

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, “Maybe you’re right. In that case I’ll take two.”

========

And last, a dirty Christmas joke 😀

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says, “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.”

Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says, “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable.”

Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says, “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.”

Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my c*ck this way!!!”




Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

4th of July Facts:

The 4th of July was not declared a national holiday until 1941.

When the United States became a country in 1776, there were approximately 2.5 million people living in the country. This Fourth of July 2013, the population is around 313.2 million.

The youngest signer of the Declaration of Independence was 26-year-old Edward Rutledge. The oldest signer was Benjamin Franklin. He was 70. Most of the signers were in their 30s and 40s.

The American flag was adopted on June 14, 1777.

Top 5 Funniest Scare Pranks - EXTREME Prank Compilation of 2016!

Top 5 Funniest Scare Pranks - EXTREME Prank Compilation of 2016!

A chemistry professor wanted to teach the 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, as happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…

“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

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A group of students were discussing which of their specialities was of the most practical use. A fellow student appeared at the table with a large pink gin.

The chemist proceeded to explain why it was pink in color.

The physicist measured the specific gravity.

The mathematician calculated the cost per unit volume.

The doctor outlined what it would do to the liver.

The engineer picked it up and drank it.

-------------

What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes in helium?

HeHe.

What weapon can you make with potassium, nickel, and iron?

A KNiFe.

Where and how frequently do chemists have sex?

On the table, periodically.

What do you call the males of a tribe called Ganese?

Manganese.

Why did the chemist help the kid who was being bullied?

He didn’t want to watch the kid sulfur.

What do you do to chemists when they die?

You barium.

If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H-two-O-CUBED.

Why is potassium a racist element?

Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They’re cheaper than day rates.

What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?

CoRnY.

Do you know a good chemistry joke?

No sorry, all of them argon.

I told a chemistry joke but there was no reaction.





A chemistry professor asked his students to go and look for any substance and bring it for experiment.

The students went and searched for it, some looked for aluminum, others silver, magnesium, calcium but among them, there was a boy who went and fill a balloon with air and brought it to the professor.

Funny Pee Pranks - Top 3 "MUST WATCH" Girls Peeing Prank Compilation

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon and laid it on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the bird’s chest and informed the woman that her duck was dead.

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, left the room and returned with a Labrador retriever. The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and led it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill and screamed, “$150! Just to tell me my duck is dead?”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it’s now $150.”

---------------

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

What did the ghost say to the wall?

Hey, sorry just passing thru.

How do you communicate with a fish?

Drop him a line!

What did one wall say to the other?

Meet you at the corner.

What do you call a bear without an ear?

B.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick.


What’s worse than having a worm in your apple?

Taking a bite and finding half of a worm in the apple!






A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, “I need to borrow two hundred dollars.”

At the other end, his father says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line.”

The boy shouts, “Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!”

“Sorry, I still can’t hear you clearly,” says his father.

The operator cuts in, “Sorry to cut in, but I can hear him perfectly.”

The father says, “Oh, good. YOU send him the money!”

TRY NOT TO LAUGH or GRIN - Naughty Girls Gone Wild - Ep.9 - Funny Videos...

A careers advisor went to a school and asked a student, “What do you want to do when you leave here?”

The student replied, “A gynecologist or a train driver.” The career advisor was so baffled by this that she said, “Train driver and gynecologist? That’s quite a gap, don’t you think?” By That the student replied, “Well… at the end of the day… I guess I just like tunnels.”

0O00O00O00O00O00O0O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00

A man went to the hospital to see his uncle. He told the nurse that he came to see his uncle that had been ran over by a steam roller. The nurse says, “Oh yeah! He’s in room 21 – 22 and 23.”

0O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00

What’s smoreplay?

It’s what smurfs do before they smuck.

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!

The bartender says…”we don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

0O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O0

I bought a new deodorant stick today. The instructions read: REMOVE WRAPPER AND PUSH UP THE BOTTOM PART.” I can hardly walk now, but whenever I fart, the room smells divine.

Two guys were talking. The one guy asked the other; what’s the definition of a will? The other guy said idk what is it? The other guy said ; come on its a dead giveaway.

There are too many pets in the neighbourhood. I’ve ran over five just this week, although one didn’t put up much of a chase.







With tears in his eyes, the little boy told his kindergarten teacher that only one pair of boots was left in the classroom and they weren’t his.

The teacher searched and searched, but she couldn’t find any other boots. “Are you sure these boots aren’t yours?” – she asked.

“I’m sure,” the little boy sobbed. “Mine had snow on them.”

Funniest GUN PRANKS Compilation - (TRY NOT TO LAUGH CHALLENGE) - Funny V...

Funniest GUN PRANKS Compilation - (TRY NOT TO LAUGH CHALLENGE)

Caller: Oh, no, it’s just the stupid, stupid design of this computer. Every time I want to click something, I have to unplug the keyboard to plug in the mouse. And then every time I want to use the keyboard again, I have to unplug the mouse. Because there’s only one jack.

Agent: Ma’am, you do realize that there’s a jack on the keyboard itself? You’re supposed to plug the mouse into the keyboard, and the keyboard into the computer.

Caller: Are you kidding me!? Oh, wait a minute—yes, I see it now! Oh, holy cow. That’s going to be so much easier!

Agent: Just out of curiosity, how long have you been using your computer that way?

Caller: Six weeks!

=================
This guy was learning english. He learned the top 10 words: lol, yea, totaly, driving, swag, dead, women, hate, exited, jk.

There was a murder at a museum. He went to check it out. The cops asked who was this. The man said lol. The cop said was it you? The man said yea.

The cop said do you want to go to jail? He responded with totaly!

Cop: How did you kill him?

Man: Driving.

Cop: How did you do it?

Man: Swag.

Cop: So what do you think is a fair punishment?

Man: Dead.

Cop: What do you love most in your life?

Man: Women.

Cop: So you love your wife.

Man: Hate.

Cop: What do you think about jail?

Man: Exited.

Cop: Really?

Man: Jk.







There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

=====================

Wife: I found Aladin’s lamp today.

Husband: Wow, what did you ask for darling?

Wife: I asked him to increase your brain power by ten times.

Husband: Oh… love you so much.. Did he do that?

Wife: He laughed and said multiplication doesn’t work with zero.

Top 10 Pranks of 2016 || YesFunnyYes - Funniest Videos Gone Wrong and Fu...

Top 10 Pranks of 2016 || YesFunnyYes - Funniest Videos Gone Wrong and Fu...

The teacher began: “Can anyone in class tell us the meaning of axis?”

“I can, Sir. Here goes: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line that passes from one pole to the other and on which the earth revolves.”

“Very good,” the teacher said, “but could you hang clothes on that line?”

“Yep! You sure could,” the student replied.

“Is that so?” the teacher said. “And what kind of cloths would you hang on that imaginary line?

“Imaginary clothes, Teacher.”

------------------------------

The class was on a tour of the local art museum and the teacher stopped before a reproduction of a DaVinci painting.

“Class, this man was a genius. With just one, single stroke he could change a smiling face into a pained, sorrowful one.”

A little boy raised his hand. “Question, Elmer?” the teacher asked.

“I just want to tell you that my Mom can do the same thing.”

-------------------------------

The school employs a doctor to teach the children about body parts.

One day, the doctor came to school, assembled the class, pointed to his nose and asked: “Is this my ear?”

Little Johnny walked to the teacher and whispered: “I think we better get a new doctor."






Customer: “My youngest son was surfing the web last night and to my shock he was at a British comedy site.”

Tech Support: “Yes, what is the problem?”

Customer: “The ‘.uk’ at the end — doesn’t that stand for United Kingdom?”

Tech Support: “Yes.”

Customer: “Just great — I knew it! He’s in trouble now! He was there for almost a half hour! How much does AOL charge for long distance?”

Tech Support: “It does not work that way. You can surf anywhere without long distance charges.”

Customer: “No, I am sure AOL charges extra. It doesn’t make any sense that they wouldn’t. England is a long way away, they would lose millions not to.”

After trying to explain how the web worked, the customer refused to take my word and said she was going to call AOL. A while later she called back.

Customer: “Well, AOL said you were correct; no long distance charge for overseas web sites. I do have another question I thought of after I hung up with AOL.”

Tech Support: “Yes?”

Customer: “Do you think they charge extra for long distance email?”

Tech Support: “Trust me — they don’t.”

Customer: “Wonderful! My oldest son works in Sweden. He sends us email, but I was always afraid to reply because I didn’t know how much it would cost, so I just called him on the phone. This will save us lots of money! Still if AOL was smart they would charge for this service.”

Funniest Dare Prank ��

Funniest Dare Prank ��

A math student and a computer science student are jogging together in a park when they hear a voice: “Please, help me!”

They stop and look. The voice belongs to a frog sitting in the grass.

“Please, help me!” the frog repeats. “I’m not really a frog: I’m an enchanted, beautiful princess. Kiss me, and the spell will be broken – and I will be yours forever…”

The CS student picks up the frog and examines it carefully from all sides – making not even an attempt to kiss it.

“You don’t have to marry me”, the frog continues frantically, “if you’re afraid of the commitment. I’ll do whatever you wish me to do if you just kiss me…”

The frog’s voice is silenced, when the CS student puts the animal into the right pocket of his pants.

“But why don’t you kiss her?!” the math student asks.

“You know”, the CS student replies, “I simply don’t have time for a girlfriend – but a frog that talks makes a really cool pet…”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says: “There is one final piece of advice I’m going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course – never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!”

“Why?” the students ask.

“Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it.”

“And what happened?!”

“Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. And now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes…”





A newlywed husband is discouraged by his wife’s obsession with mathematics. Afraid of being second fiddle to her profession, he finally confronts her: “Do you love math more than me?”

“Of course not, dear – I love you much more!”

Happy, although sceptical, he challenges her: “Well, then prove it!”

Pondering a bit, she responds: “Ok… Let epsilon be greater than zero…”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A graduate student of mathematics who used to come to the university on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle.

“Where did you get the bike from?” his friends want to know.

“It’s a `thank you’ present”, he explains, “from that freshman girl I’ve been tutoring. But the story is kind of weird…”

“Tell us!”

“Well”, he starts, “yesterday she called me on the phone and told me that she had passed her math final and that she wanted to drop by to thank me in person. As usual, she arrived at my place riding her bicycle. But when I had let her in, she suddenly took all her clothes off, lay down on my bed, smiled at me, and said: `You can get from me whatever you desire!'”

One of his friends remarks: “You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle.”

“Yeah”, another friend adds, “just imagine how silly you would have looked in a girl’s clothes – and they wouldn’t have fit you anyway!”

Top Best Magic Show of America - America's Got Talent 2016

Top Best Magic Show of America  -  America's Got Talent 2016

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh.

The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs.

Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs. God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$200” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.

Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, “There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!” – he yelled.

“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.

After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.

When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.

Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”






There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

===========================================================

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

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A farmer grabbed his 10-year-old son and asked, “Did you cut down that cherry tree?”

“Yes, Daddy, I did.” – the boy replied sobbing. “I cannot tell a lie.”

The farmer grabbed the boy, put him on his knee and whaled the tar out of him.

“But, Daddy,” the boy cried, “George Washington’s father didn’t do that to him when he cut down that cherry tree when he was a boy.”

“That’s true,” the father replied, “but George Washington’s father wasn’t sitting in the tree when he cut it down!”

------

The 5-year-old loved his daddy and hated to see him leave everyday to go to work. He asked his mom, “Mom, why does Daddy have to leave us and go to work everyday?”

Mom replied, “So he can earn money to bring home so that we can pay our bills and put food on the table.”

“Are you saying that if he doesn’t go to work everyday, we will have to eat off the floor?”

-----

Two kids were hiking when they came upon a huge bear. One boy sat down, took a pair of track shoes out his knapsack and started to put them on.

“You’are wasting your time.” – said the other boy. “You can’t outrun that bear even with your track shoes on.”

The other boy replied, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you.”

-----

A boy walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist merely leaned over and slapped the kid on the back.

“Why did you do that to me?” – asked the boy.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups now, do you!”

“No, but my Mom out in the care still does!” – the boy replied.






The boy of ten was sipping his favorite strawberry soda at McDonalds when his pal strolled in. The boy looked up from the drink and said, “Thought you were over at Jenny’s house.”

“I’m through with girls,” the other said, “after all, they’re a dime a dozen.”

“You mean it?” – the boy again halted his sipping. “A dime a dozen? Gee whiz. And all this time, I’ve been spending my money on sodas.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two kids were hiking and were surrounded by huge granite cliffs. “I wonder where all this stone came from?” – one boy asked.

“I know,” said the other boy. “It came down when the glaciers came through here.”

“Well, the rock is here but where are the glaciers?” – asked the other.

“Well, er, uh, ahem. Well, I suppose the glaciers went back for more rock.” – was the reply.

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Whiskey And Worms

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”






Mom: Son why are you home early today?

Son: Because I was the only one that could answer a question.

Mom: Oh, what question?

Son: Who threw the eraser at the principal?

========================

Son: Hi mom I am home early today.

Mom: Why are u home early today?

Son: Because the teacher said “at the end of this ruler is an idiot.”

Mom: And…?

Son: And I asked, which end.

========================

As a 7th grade biology teacher, I was teaching my class about the flow of blood in the body. After my lecture I asked the class the following: “Why is it that if I would turn upside down, my face would turn red since the blood would flow to my head, but when I stand upright my feet don’t turn red?” I was taken aback when a boy blurted out, “That’s cuz your feet aint empty!”.

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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”

“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”

“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”

“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”

“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”

“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”

“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”

========================================================================

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!” The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?” The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.” The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”

The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”

To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”

========================================================================






The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”



“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.



“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.



“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.



“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”



She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”



So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.



The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”



“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”







A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:



-Rocky!!



The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip. The boy’s father is getting nervous:



-Rocky!! be careful now!!



Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy’s father yells:



-Rocky! Get out of there fast! She’s gonna sh*t on you!

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Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, “I don’t have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.”

So the that’s what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” said Joe.

“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!”

===========================

Johnny had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition.

His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Johnny‘s 21st birthday came around, he and his friend Jill took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Johnny stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned!

Jill just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Johnny went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he said, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked deeply into Johnny‘s troubled eyes and answered, “Because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July.








The young parents were concerned because their son, Jimmy, had begun using unkind words that he learned in school.

One day, the mother overheard Jimmy calling his sister a “stupid head.”

“Jimmy,” she said. “Your birthday is next week. Your father and I bought five presents for you. From now on, every time you use a bad word I’m going to take one of the presents away.”

“That’s stupid,” said Jimmy.

“O.K., young man,” said the mother, “you just lost one of your presents. Now you only have four. What do you have to say for yourself?”

“If I tell you the sentence I’m thinking of right now,” said Jimmy, “I’ll lose the other four.”

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A sexy woman walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.

The Bartender replies, “Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?”

By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in his mouth where the horny bartender is gently sucking on them. She says, “You sure he isn’t here?”

The bartender mumbles through her fingers, “Yes, he’s out for another 2 hours. Are you sure there is nothing I can do to help?”

The woman then says, “Oh, I only wanted to tell him there’s no toilet paper or soap in the ladies toilets!”