Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Try Not To Laugh EXTREME Edition - HOT GIRL Pranks & Fails - 2016
Funny Funny Sex humor story laugh prankFUNNY SPORT MOMENTS compilation ( funny sports bloopers, fails, jokes, f...
Funny Funny Sex humor story laugh prankFUNNY SPORT MOMENTS compilation ( funny sports bloopers, fails, jokes
corporate lessons
Lesson Number 1A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number 2
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree - he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson Number 3
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
Best News Bloopers Fails
Funny Funny Sex Hilarious laugh prank storycold winter
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.'
Sexy Moments in Sports Girls/Women’s 10 - Top 10 Revealing Moments
Funny humor story laugh prankSexy Moments in Sports Girls/Women’s 10 - Top 10 Revealing Moments
In his beautiful book, "I Shall Not Want," Robert Ketchum tells of a Sunday School teacher who asked her group of children if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm. A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands.
A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm.
The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."
She bowed again and went and sat down.
That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.
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All Preachers Here We Go
We had a substitute preacher preaching at our church and he told this story. He said, when he was younger, he thought that the doxology went: "Praise God from whom all blessings go, Praise him all preachers here we go (instead of creatures here below), then praise him above the heavenly host, praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost." He said he thought that because, when everyone sang that, often the preacher leaves the pulpit and walks out!
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New Minister
Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.
About a week later one of the assistant ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in what was his first sermon to the congregation. As he shyly approached the pulpit one Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. He was notably very nervous and getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
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Little Johnny
Little Johnny went to Sunday school one Sunday. The lesson for the day was from Genesis. "God opened up Adam's side, took a rib from him, and created Eve from it," was what really struck Johnny.
Later, that afternoon, Johnny started feeing sick, and his side began to hurt. He layed down on the couch, and after about half an hour, his mother came over and asked him if he was feeling okay. He said, "Not really - I think I'm gonna have a wife."
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Johnny's Dust
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree, and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did," he says.
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening," the pastor replies. "Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed, 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
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Red Wagon
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside to look and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. He walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.
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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row please.” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that”, the usher said, “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No.” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No.” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
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Painting the church
A cheating painting contractor had been skimping by thinning his paint excessively. Nevertheless, he landed a big job painting a church. He was almost done when a major storm blew up. It washed all the paint off.
Amid the thunder and lightening, there came a loud voice...
"REPAINT," it boomed. "REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!"
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Pastor Dave Charlton tells us: "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and he will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."
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Reverend to his congregation: "We have good news and bad news.
The bad news is that the roof needs repairing.
The good news is that we have the money to pay for it."
(appreciative murmers all round)
Reverend: "The extra bad news is that it's still in your pockets!"
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NOT AFRAID
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
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All the way home in the back seat of the car the boy was quiet. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "The preacher said he wanted us all brought up in a Christian home, but I wanted to stay with you guys."
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Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane. So, she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and the Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
Kyle explained, "Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot!"
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The Sunday School Teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to - my Mom is a good cook!"
YOU HAVE NICE TITS!! Picking up SEXY Girls!!!
Funny Funny Sex Hilarious humor story prankYOU HAVE NICE TITS!! Picking up SEXY Girls!!!
Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve.
Dad said, “What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.”
The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, “Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.”
Dad replied with a glint in his eye, “Maybe you’re right. In that case I’ll take two.”
========
And last, a dirty Christmas joke 😀
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says, “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.”
Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says, “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable.”
Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says, “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.”
Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my c*ck this way!!!”
Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.
Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.
4th of July Facts:
The 4th of July was not declared a national holiday until 1941.
When the United States became a country in 1776, there were approximately 2.5 million people living in the country. This Fourth of July 2013, the population is around 313.2 million.
The youngest signer of the Declaration of Independence was 26-year-old Edward Rutledge. The oldest signer was Benjamin Franklin. He was 70. Most of the signers were in their 30s and 40s.
The American flag was adopted on June 14, 1777.
Top 5 Funniest Scare Pranks - EXTREME Prank Compilation of 2016!
Funny Hilarious humor story laugh prankTop 5 Funniest Scare Pranks - EXTREME Prank Compilation of 2016!
A chemistry professor wanted to teach the 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, as happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
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A group of students were discussing which of their specialities was of the most practical use. A fellow student appeared at the table with a large pink gin.
The chemist proceeded to explain why it was pink in color.
The physicist measured the specific gravity.
The mathematician calculated the cost per unit volume.
The doctor outlined what it would do to the liver.
The engineer picked it up and drank it.
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What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes in helium?
HeHe.
What weapon can you make with potassium, nickel, and iron?
A KNiFe.
Where and how frequently do chemists have sex?
On the table, periodically.
What do you call the males of a tribe called Ganese?
Manganese.
Why did the chemist help the kid who was being bullied?
He didn’t want to watch the kid sulfur.
What do you do to chemists when they die?
You barium.
If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
H-two-O-CUBED.
Why is potassium a racist element?
Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.
What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
CoRnY.
Do you know a good chemistry joke?
No sorry, all of them argon.
I told a chemistry joke but there was no reaction.
A chemistry professor asked his students to go and look for any substance and bring it for experiment.
The students went and searched for it, some looked for aluminum, others silver, magnesium, calcium but among them, there was a boy who went and fill a balloon with air and brought it to the professor.
Funny Pee Pranks - Top 3 "MUST WATCH" Girls Peeing Prank Compilation
Funny Funny Sex humor story laugh prankA woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon and laid it on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the bird’s chest and informed the woman that her duck was dead.
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, left the room and returned with a Labrador retriever. The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and led it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill and screamed, “$150! Just to tell me my duck is dead?”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it’s now $150.”
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
What did the ghost say to the wall?
Hey, sorry just passing thru.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line!
What did one wall say to the other?
Meet you at the corner.
What do you call a bear without an ear?
B.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What’s worse than having a worm in your apple?
Taking a bite and finding half of a worm in the apple!
A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, “I need to borrow two hundred dollars.”
At the other end, his father says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line.”
The boy shouts, “Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!”
“Sorry, I still can’t hear you clearly,” says his father.
The operator cuts in, “Sorry to cut in, but I can hear him perfectly.”
The father says, “Oh, good. YOU send him the money!”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, left the room and returned with a Labrador retriever. The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and led it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill and screamed, “$150! Just to tell me my duck is dead?”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it’s now $150.”
---------------
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
What did the ghost say to the wall?
Hey, sorry just passing thru.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line!
What did one wall say to the other?
Meet you at the corner.
What do you call a bear without an ear?
B.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What’s worse than having a worm in your apple?
Taking a bite and finding half of a worm in the apple!
A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, “I need to borrow two hundred dollars.”
At the other end, his father says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line.”
The boy shouts, “Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!”
“Sorry, I still can’t hear you clearly,” says his father.
The operator cuts in, “Sorry to cut in, but I can hear him perfectly.”
The father says, “Oh, good. YOU send him the money!”
Girls Will Do Anything For Money! - Social Experiments GONE TOO FAR!
Funny laugh prankA couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
Why is a ghost like an empty house?
Because there’s nobody there.
What evil crone turns off all the lamps on Halloween?
The light’s witch.
What game do monster children play?
Hyde and shriek.
What’s orange on the inside and clear on the outside?
A pumpkin in a plastic bag.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
Why is a ghost like an empty house?
Because there’s nobody there.
What evil crone turns off all the lamps on Halloween?
The light’s witch.
What game do monster children play?
Hyde and shriek.
What’s orange on the inside and clear on the outside?
A pumpkin in a plastic bag.
TRY NOT TO LAUGH or GRIN - Naughty Girls Gone Wild - Ep.13 - Funny Video...
Funny laugh prankTRY NOT TO LAUGH or GRIN - Naughty Girls Gone Wild - Ep.13
One dark night, two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” – the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter) and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied: “I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.”
A daring vacationer is walking through a graveyard on Halloween when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it’s coming from.
She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, “Ludwig van Beethoven.”
Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.
Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.
By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
TRY NOT TO LAUGH or GRIN - Naughty Girls Gone Wild - Ep.9 - Funny Videos...
Funny Hilarious humor story prankA careers advisor went to a school and asked a student, “What do you want to do when you leave here?”
The student replied, “A gynecologist or a train driver.” The career advisor was so baffled by this that she said, “Train driver and gynecologist? That’s quite a gap, don’t you think?” By That the student replied, “Well… at the end of the day… I guess I just like tunnels.”
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A man went to the hospital to see his uncle. He told the nurse that he came to see his uncle that had been ran over by a steam roller. The nurse says, “Oh yeah! He’s in room 21 – 22 and 23.”
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What’s smoreplay?
It’s what smurfs do before they smuck.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!
The bartender says…”we don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
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I bought a new deodorant stick today. The instructions read: REMOVE WRAPPER AND PUSH UP THE BOTTOM PART.” I can hardly walk now, but whenever I fart, the room smells divine.
Two guys were talking. The one guy asked the other; what’s the definition of a will? The other guy said idk what is it? The other guy said ; come on its a dead giveaway.
There are too many pets in the neighbourhood. I’ve ran over five just this week, although one didn’t put up much of a chase.
With tears in his eyes, the little boy told his kindergarten teacher that only one pair of boots was left in the classroom and they weren’t his.
The teacher searched and searched, but she couldn’t find any other boots. “Are you sure these boots aren’t yours?” – she asked.
“I’m sure,” the little boy sobbed. “Mine had snow on them.”
The student replied, “A gynecologist or a train driver.” The career advisor was so baffled by this that she said, “Train driver and gynecologist? That’s quite a gap, don’t you think?” By That the student replied, “Well… at the end of the day… I guess I just like tunnels.”
0O00O00O00O00O00O0O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00
A man went to the hospital to see his uncle. He told the nurse that he came to see his uncle that had been ran over by a steam roller. The nurse says, “Oh yeah! He’s in room 21 – 22 and 23.”
0O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00
What’s smoreplay?
It’s what smurfs do before they smuck.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!
The bartender says…”we don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
0O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O00O0
I bought a new deodorant stick today. The instructions read: REMOVE WRAPPER AND PUSH UP THE BOTTOM PART.” I can hardly walk now, but whenever I fart, the room smells divine.
Two guys were talking. The one guy asked the other; what’s the definition of a will? The other guy said idk what is it? The other guy said ; come on its a dead giveaway.
There are too many pets in the neighbourhood. I’ve ran over five just this week, although one didn’t put up much of a chase.
With tears in his eyes, the little boy told his kindergarten teacher that only one pair of boots was left in the classroom and they weren’t his.
The teacher searched and searched, but she couldn’t find any other boots. “Are you sure these boots aren’t yours?” – she asked.
“I’m sure,” the little boy sobbed. “Mine had snow on them.”
Funniest GUN PRANKS Compilation - (TRY NOT TO LAUGH CHALLENGE) - Funny V...
Funny humor story laugh prankFunniest GUN PRANKS Compilation - (TRY NOT TO LAUGH CHALLENGE)
Caller: Oh, no, it’s just the stupid, stupid design of this computer. Every time I want to click something, I have to unplug the keyboard to plug in the mouse. And then every time I want to use the keyboard again, I have to unplug the mouse. Because there’s only one jack.
Agent: Ma’am, you do realize that there’s a jack on the keyboard itself? You’re supposed to plug the mouse into the keyboard, and the keyboard into the computer.
Caller: Are you kidding me!? Oh, wait a minute—yes, I see it now! Oh, holy cow. That’s going to be so much easier!
Agent: Just out of curiosity, how long have you been using your computer that way?
Caller: Six weeks!
=================
This guy was learning english. He learned the top 10 words: lol, yea, totaly, driving, swag, dead, women, hate, exited, jk.
There was a murder at a museum. He went to check it out. The cops asked who was this. The man said lol. The cop said was it you? The man said yea.
The cop said do you want to go to jail? He responded with totaly!
Cop: How did you kill him?
Man: Driving.
Cop: How did you do it?
Man: Swag.
Cop: So what do you think is a fair punishment?
Man: Dead.
Cop: What do you love most in your life?
Man: Women.
Cop: So you love your wife.
Man: Hate.
Cop: What do you think about jail?
Man: Exited.
Cop: Really?
Man: Jk.
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”
=====================
Wife: I found Aladin’s lamp today.
Husband: Wow, what did you ask for darling?
Wife: I asked him to increase your brain power by ten times.
Husband: Oh… love you so much.. Did he do that?
Wife: He laughed and said multiplication doesn’t work with zero.
Top 10 Pranks of 2016 || YesFunnyYes - Funniest Videos Gone Wrong and Fu...
Funny Hilarious humor story prankTop 10 Pranks of 2016 || YesFunnyYes - Funniest Videos Gone Wrong and Fu...
The teacher began: “Can anyone in class tell us the meaning of axis?”“I can, Sir. Here goes: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line that passes from one pole to the other and on which the earth revolves.”
“Very good,” the teacher said, “but could you hang clothes on that line?”
“Yep! You sure could,” the student replied.
“Is that so?” the teacher said. “And what kind of cloths would you hang on that imaginary line?
“Imaginary clothes, Teacher.”
------------------------------
The class was on a tour of the local art museum and the teacher stopped before a reproduction of a DaVinci painting.
“Class, this man was a genius. With just one, single stroke he could change a smiling face into a pained, sorrowful one.”
A little boy raised his hand. “Question, Elmer?” the teacher asked.
“I just want to tell you that my Mom can do the same thing.”
-------------------------------
The school employs a doctor to teach the children about body parts.
One day, the doctor came to school, assembled the class, pointed to his nose and asked: “Is this my ear?”
Little Johnny walked to the teacher and whispered: “I think we better get a new doctor."
Customer: “My youngest son was surfing the web last night and to my shock he was at a British comedy site.”
Tech Support: “Yes, what is the problem?”
Customer: “The ‘.uk’ at the end — doesn’t that stand for United Kingdom?”
Tech Support: “Yes.”
Customer: “Just great — I knew it! He’s in trouble now! He was there for almost a half hour! How much does AOL charge for long distance?”
Tech Support: “It does not work that way. You can surf anywhere without long distance charges.”
Customer: “No, I am sure AOL charges extra. It doesn’t make any sense that they wouldn’t. England is a long way away, they would lose millions not to.”
After trying to explain how the web worked, the customer refused to take my word and said she was going to call AOL. A while later she called back.
Customer: “Well, AOL said you were correct; no long distance charge for overseas web sites. I do have another question I thought of after I hung up with AOL.”
Tech Support: “Yes?”
Customer: “Do you think they charge extra for long distance email?”
Tech Support: “Trust me — they don’t.”
Customer: “Wonderful! My oldest son works in Sweden. He sends us email, but I was always afraid to reply because I didn’t know how much it would cost, so I just called him on the phone. This will save us lots of money! Still if AOL was smart they would charge for this service.”
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